my boyish femininity
- qwueerd
- Dec 6, 2021
- 7 min read
Updated: Jan 24, 2022
I. FIND:
About a week ago, while at a local store, I overheard a woman yelling at her son for "dancing like a girl" and forcing the child to stop. Witnessing the incident, it felt weirdly familiar as if I had seen it before, but I failed to recall any piece of that memory. At once, I assumed it was just another déjà vu (a false sense of familiarity towards a present event as if one has experienced it before (Sno & Linszen, 1990)). However, after a few seconds of self-questioning, I realized that I indeed had never seen it but rather gone through a similar situation. This incident reminded me of a part of my identity that I have taken for granted for quite a time until now: my femininity.
As an issue of identity is brought up, let’s put this concept under discussion.
According to Baldwin et al. (2014), identity is understood as our knowledge of our own beings. They categorize identity into personal identity and social identity. Personal identity emphasizes the characteristics of individuality whereas social identity highlights our relationships with or our memberships to certain groups (Baldwin et al., 2014). Additionally, Baldwin et al. (2014) state that our identities are socially constructed. This claim is also commonly shared among researchers. For instance, Michael Hecht et al. conducted a study in 2005 indicating that identity is not fixed, and it can evolve through the process of communication.
With the aforementioned story of a mother and her son, the focal identity of it was gender identity (personal conceptions of one’s own gender as man, woman, transgender, or non-binary, which can match or be different from their biological sex (male, female, intersex) (Lindqvist et al., 2021)), specifically, masculinity and femininity. Like many others, the mother lives in a society with gender norms teaching us that only female figures should exude femininity and male figures do the opposite. However, being feminine or masculine does not equal being female/woman or male/man. To illustrate, I am going to use my personal stories as an example.
I was assigned male at birth and brought up accordingly. Hence, the majority of my gender identity and gender expression (one’s appearance and behaviors that express their gender identity (Lindqvist et al., 2021)) has been masculinity-based. However, I have known forever that the term "masculinity" does not accurately describe my identity because I am also feminine. Though pondering this side of myself at times, I have never made an effort to truly comprehend it. Therefore, taking advantage of this endless list of wonderings provoked in my head by the incident of that poor child I had witnessed, I am going to take a chance to finally understand that part of myself by using autoethnography (a method of writing in which the author uses their personal stories to discuss a broader cultural and social matter (Wall, 2008)) that I would call "FEMME".
II. FEMME:
FEMME
For a man to be femme,
how can I know when it began?
I wonder "will it ever end?"
Sitting on all these pains
pains of endless curiosity,
looking back at memories
that I vaguely remember,
trying to make sense of 'her'.
This autoethnography is told in chronological order, divided into 5 stages:
1. Formation stage
2. Development stage
3. Denial stage
4. Retrieval stage
5. Adaptation stage
1. Formation stage:
DOLLING
Dolls, barbies, fashion, dresses,
things I used to be obsessed with.
Balls, cars, heroes, and dragons,
those I wasn’t acquainted with.
All those sweet, innocent years.
Me, my sister. We were peers,
seeing the world through dolls' eyes,
sashaying like we were models.
Barbies and Disney and all,
we binge-watched 'til falling to sleep.
All those sweet childhood years,
finally, I now remember.
In my early years of life, I spent most of my leisure time with my sister and cousinesses. Being around feminine figures was the foundation for my femininity as I was exposed to products that exude that energy. Oftentimes, my sisters and I were playing with dolls, making doll-sized versions of dresses we caught in televised fashion programs, "inventing" new hairstyles for our dolls, watching barbie or princess movies together, and trying to imitate the fierce and fabulous catwalks of models we saw on the telly. We constantly looked up to femininity in things to use them as references for our amusement. Thence, I naturally picked up femininity as part of my personal identity as I grew up.
2. Development stage:
(IN)VALIDATION
All those sweet barbie memories,
all were gone, and lost, and passed.
They were now just past beings.
Me, my sister. We got older.
My sister, living with her 'her',
leaving me a wonderer,
a boy like no other.
I pondered my own being.
Trying to find me in others
to look up to for guidance.
Forlorn pirate, great treasure.
A sucker, but saddened trove.
Little, yet still better than none,
I found me in cross-dressers
that I saw on my telly.
But guidance? Where was it?
Shame, mockery, all there was.
Demonizing boys who be 'her'.
Self-questioner did I become,
asking myself non-stop:
"Am I wrong to live my 'her'?"
As I reached my adolescence, the identity of myself as a boy started to become stronger and strengthened, but I was also still feminine. Like most teenagers, I started looking for role models and tried to make sense of myself by searching for resemblances in others and finding validation for my identities. For me, I knew that I was not a girl, but the term "boy" did not fully define me, either. Hence, when finding my version of validation, I was looking for the co-existence of femininity and masculinity in a single entity. However, the possibility of these discoveries seemed unimaginable. I was a lonesome pirate, a sucker for a non-existent great treasure. I dug myself into deep dirt to find the sense of my femininity. Yet, I discovered nothing but a saddened quest with immense disappointment. The closest I could find was the portrayals of people playing cross-dressing on screen, but these people were often depicted in discouraging and demeaning manners. From whence, I began to question the existence and ethicality of my femininity. This insecurity, then, acted as a cause for identity crises and a base for the intrusion of other people’s opinions to enter.
3. Denial stage:
OPPRESSION
I wanted 'her'. I was 'her',
but I was scared of 'her',
scared, because of others.
Mom told me I’m not 'her'.
Friends mocked me for being 'her'.
Teachers said I was miserable.
Then, forced, I was, to be "boyed up":
"Legs uncrossed, voice deepened,
less movements, straightened up."
Confusion and oppression.
Depression and self-hatred.
Trying my best to not be 'her'.
No femme, all masc, woebegone.
"Is it wrong to be femme?"
"Is it right to be masc?"
"Will woe be gone if more masc?"
For I was only too little,
did nothing but to conform.
While on the quest for my boyish femininity, there were splendid storms and Thor-ious thunders. The first strike was my parents’ disapproval as they started telling me what I am supposed to be in this world. School brought storms with teachers "educating" me to be a boy, to act and behave as such, to "tone it down" and "man it up". Friends also began to define me with weirdness and use my femininity as a subject of parody. All of these discriminations had the same root in the lack of information and understanding of identity, especially, gender identity. None better than me, at the time, many people assumed or were taught to believe that one’s gender is solely determined by one’s biological feature and accept boys with masculinity and girls with femininity as gender norms that people need to follow. Accordingly, if one does not seem to conform to these standards, one might be labeled as "abnormal". As a teenager, there was not much knowledge of gender identity in my mind. Thence, I did as I was told. I started to conform to the expectations of people of "being a boy" by oppressing the feminine side of myself. I tried to deepen my voice, to be more cautious about my clothes and my mannerisms. I was afraid of exuding femininity in front of others because I was scared of what would come my way if I did so.
4. Retrieval stage:
REVIVAL
Time passed, changes were made,
Gaining knowledge of my being.
Revisiting my once-lost 'her'.
Drag queens, glamor, and glitter.
Enby, no more him or her.
Challenged and changed, gender norms.
Reviving my 'her'. Don’t conform.
Cursed be the lasting struggles,
it is hard to recover.
I have 'her', but can’t see 'her'.
Scared still, can’t get over yet.
Hoping to get me a chance
to free 'her' from that deep trench.
Passing my teenhood with all the identity crises, post-adolescence is a fresh start for my gender identity as I am now retrieving my femininity. With the help of media and the Internet, I have been exposed to much information of identity and given the knowledge to make sense of my being. My femininity is revived and so does the quest. I have found my treasure chest with all the riches of comprehensions of "non-binary" (one’s gender identity that falls into neither end of the gender binaries of man or woman (Frohard-Dourlent et al., 2017)), of drag queen (someone, usually male, accentuating femininity by dressing and performing as female figures ("Drag queen", 2021)), and of femboy (feminine boy). However, reclaiming it as part of my identity does not mean I can hold its fort. Therefore, the struggles for manifesting my boyish femininity still remain unresolved.
5. Adaptation stage:
After reclaiming my identity, though still struggling, I am starting to find ways to adapt my femininity into my life. It begins with a step as small as expressing it through art:
ART
Tough cordage, I’ve found in art,
pulling 'her' out of that trench.
Paintings, drawings, photographs,
for 'her' to live, let the guard down.
A gateway, I’ve found in art,
giving 'her' a taste of freedom.
None the numb of the repressed.
All the fresh of liberty.
Blessed palette, I’ve found in art,
letting 'her' live in colors.
Red, pink, beige, and vigor.
Silver, black, shadow, and grey.
May it be gone all the struggles,
for 'her' to live as one be.
III. FOUND:
At last, I have now apprehended that part of my identity called "FEMME". This autoethnography has allowed me to eventually reflect on my past and understand what has built up the identity that I have today. It has also offered me profound insights that help with solving future matters since some questions are still left unanswered.
I was blessed to flee myself from the heavenless place of identity crises, but the quest for my femininity still continues as I am yet confident enough to express myself.
REFERENCES:
- Baldwin, J. R., Coleman, R. R. M., González, A., & Shenoy-Packer, S. (2014). Intercultural communication for everyday life. Chichester: John Wiley & Sons.
- Drag queen. (2021, November 23). In Wikipedia. Retrieved from: https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.ph
- Frohard-Dourlent, H., Dobson, S., Clark, B. A., Doull, M., & Saewyc, E. M. (2016). "I would have preferred more options": accounting for non-binary youth in health research. Nursing Inquiry, 24(1), e12150. DOI: https://doi.org/10.1111/nin.12150
- Hecht, M. L., Warren, J. R., Jung, E., & Krieger, J. L. (2005). A Communication Theory of Identity: Development, Theoretical Perspective, and Future Directions. In W. B. Gudykunst (Ed.), Theorizing about intercultural communication (pp. 257–278). Sage Publications Ltd.
- Lindqvist, A., Sendén, M. G., & Renström, E. A. (2020). What is gender, anyway: a review of the options for operationalising gender. Psychology & Sexuality, 12(4), 332–344. DOI: https://doi.org/10.1080/19419899.2020.1729844
- Sno, H. N., & Linszen, D. H. (1990). The deja vu experience: remembrance of things past? American Journal of Psychiatry, 147(12), 1587–1595. DOI: https://doi.org/10.1176/ajp.147.12.1587
- Wall, S. (2008). Easier Said than Done: Writing an Autoethnography. International Journal of Qualitative Methods, 7(1), 38–53. DOI: https://doi.org/10.1177/160940690800700103
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